As the week go by, I am recovering a little better from a heart-wrenching experience on Monday.
So there I was, sitting down in Steak n Shake, playing with my phone. My thumbs and fingers were overwhelmed with nervousness, and so they must be entertained. I tweedled them by texting my friends to keep them up to date of that night. So very few knew I had agreed to give Bryan a chance, and so we made arrangements.
The waiter asked me if I wanted anything to drink. Of course, the butterflies in my tummy did dry up my throat, so I simply asked for water, to which the waiter nodded and brought me a glass. I looked at the time.
He was five minutes late. Being late on the "first" date is never a good thing, or is it? I forget. It's been so long since I've had a date.
But just as I was about to text him to make sure he was okay, Bryan walked in. His hair was short & styled in a way that was so appealing. His eyes were deep blue, and his face was clean shaven. He wore a nice, tight Versace shirt with vintage jeans and casual shoes. I smiled at this, because I couldn't believe that I had finally met someone so attractive, who could be such eye candy. He smiled back at me and came forward to our table, and sat himself down. He also asked the waiter for some water as well.
We began to order. We both ordered a salad.
As the course was being eaten, so was my heart.
It sank when Bryan first mentioned his ex, and the tone he used. Tears began to fill up my eyes as I tried to choke them down and try to mend the wounding heart...again.
For an hour and a half, he spoke of that no good ex of his. I concluded with the sorrowful thoughts that he was not yet over him and not yet ready for a relationship.
When I told him how I really felt, he began to cry a little. That really hit me. I took his hands, and told him that I thought he was a great guy, and that maybe in the later future we would meet again and be ready for a true romance. He smiled weakly, and let go of my hands. He said he was through with me giving him any more chances. I felt like I made another mistake. I felt like maybe it was not best for me to say it, but how else could I say it? I surely did not want to date someone who was not over his ex-boyfriend who abused him and treated him like he was the scum of the earth.
I was better than that. I deserved better. He deserved better, too, since he was such a nice fellow with a real good heart.
As we said goodbye, we gave each other an awkward hug and drove home.
He texted me back to apologize, and I closed my phone and left it on my car charger. I didn't want to reply to him...
The next day, he stopped by where I worked and told me he was going back to his home in Lakeland, and stopped by to pick up a few things. It boggled me, though, because Merritt Island is not exactly on the way back from Titusville to Lakeland...especially if you took 528 East.
But I just looked at him and said one last goodbye. As I left work, I texted him to see if he had made it home alright.
He didn't answer.
Nor did he answer to any of my texts after that.
However...Tuesday night, I had my recurring dream where I am in a canal swimming from one side to another, filled with alligators and sharks. I never finish this dream. But all of that changed when I dreamt that Bryan pulled me out of the water and held me in his arms and kissed me in a way that a Knight in Shining Armor would.
I woke up in a panic, sweating, and crying.
What if I had done it again? What if I had made that same mistake again?
My heart is sore from all the pain in the last few days, and I hope that it heals quickly, because I certainly do not want to spend my days at home with nothing to do but think about him.
Had it been while I was in school, perhaps my heart would heal faster. But...since I have 2 free days every week, I can't do anything but think about Bryan & the mistakes I made with him.....
