These Are the Thoughts...

I know I've said this before.

And I'll say it again. And again. And again.

And every time I'll say it, I'll pretend I actually mean it.
But I don't.
But I can't....

Why can't the heart of one just build a barb-wired wall around its surface? Why does it have to be punctured by Cupid's aarow just to get it penetrated and bleed? Couldn't it somehow form a shutter of some kind, a shield? Or perhaps have some super power that turn it into stone instead of fragile glass? At least it'd be harder to shatter into pieces.

I really do not want to develop this. Then again, I really do not want to cringe at this feeling I have towards this person. He is such a sweet guy. We have so much stuff in common, so much stuff about our past that are similar, and we tend to get along great. So what's the problem?

Me. That's the problem.

I'm clingy. I'm naive. I'm romantic.

None of that should exist in this modern day world! No sirree! It is all about physical attraction and legal rights. Who gives a shit about the emotions that are tied & bound into all this contraption!

So what do I do? How do I terminate this feeling I have for him? How do I develop some kind of emotional response to him that doesn't involve butterflies in my tummy all day or constant day dreams? How do I get to him without getting so attached?

I don't know the answer. If anyone has suggestions, great!

I fear that I'm going to live my whole life like this....

I hadn't realized it's been quite a while since I've updated.

There really isn't much to tell. I am enjoying my paid vacation, but with my family gone and friends being so busy with school and work, I haven't had much time other than being by myself. It gets lonely, and kind of boring, but at least I get paid to do that.

In other news, I befriended with two more deaf people. It's always nice to meet someone who speaks my language and actually understands my backgrounds. We got along great, so we are definitely going to hang out again tomorrow. I can't wait!

Yesterday I bought "Sex and the City" on DVD. The movie was quite entertaining, just like the show itself when it was on air. I love Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw. She is such a perfect person for that role, and she plays it so well. However, I just think she needs to do less Carrie when she is in other movies and shows. Anyhow...

I've done a lot of cooking. I've made: 2 cakes (1 marble, 1 lemon bundt), two different pasta dishes, pizza rolls, a form of casserole that I forgot the name of, and some muffins for the morning. I don't know why, but when I am alone in the house, I cook like a madman.

No word on Michael the Loser. Ever since he gave me the "I'd rather be friends" speech two weeks ago, I haven't heard from him at all, period. It's horrible. I keep thinking about him. I need to stop doing that....

Anyhoo, it is getting close to quitting time on this computer. So I must bid you farewell, my dears!

I'm drenched with fear.

Fear of being alone, that is.

With a new love life developing, I fear it will last. I fear it won't. I fear the unknown. I don't like this feeling - the obsession of knowing if he is thinking of me of if he isn't. I know I can't stop thinking about him, so I must like him. A lot. It's been a while since I've felt this way, anyway.

But how do I know what he's feeling? Only sweet thing he's ever said to me was he's been thinking about me a lot. But that was 3 days ago. He only talks to me when I talk to him. He never starts the conversation. He doesn't even say "hello." Which is why today, I didn't text him at all. Tomorrow, I won't either. I won't talk to him until he talks to me.

IN addition, we have the distance. He lives 3 hours away. Granted, I would do anything to make this work. God knows, that's how much I like him. I want to see where this goes. I think he may be the one. Now, I'm not saying I want to rush things. I'm just saying he MIGHT be. You just never know until you try. Like the great Jonathan Larson says, "Forget regret or life is yours to miss, no other road, no other way, no day but today."

If he doesn't respond in a week or so, then I will confront him calmly. So we'll see in a week.

Of course, it's not just the relationships. It's friendships.

A dear friend of mine is getting married...to someone in London. While I live in the States, I know I will miss her if she decides to move. Another friend is considering of taking a job opportunity in Houston, Texas. It's almost halfway across the country from where I live. To add the cream of the crop, THREE more of my friends are moving to start a new career.

Now, I love them all. I really do want them to do this. They deserve it. But I'm just plagued with the idea of having no one here to talk to, no one here to han gout with, no one here to cry, laugh, and sing with. I'm just going to feel lost. And I hate that feeling...

*sighs*

*NOTE: I know this video isn't as synced as it should, but it's the only one with actually good quality in both visual & audio...

This is the best scene for any movie ever...the song was a perfect choice, and the way they ended the scene! *sighs*

And all of sudden, I feel like I am on cloud nine.

Being with Michael in the last 6 hours has been so far the happiest moments of my life. We talked, cuddled, and goofed around (non-sexually, mind you). He is such an amazing person, and when we said our goodbyes, we hugged each other as if it was our last hug. We didn't want to let go. We didn't want to say goodbyes, and we promised each other that even though he does live almost 4 hours away, we will always try to find a way to work things out. I am hoping that in the next few weeks to come, I am able to spend as much time with him as I can. I know for sure that I will definitely see him while I'm on vacation from work. Perhaps I could rent a room there if money allows it.

But right now, my feeling is high. I cannot stop smiling. I feel stupid, actually, and I feel like a fool. But all of these feelings are feelings that I have not felt in a long, long time, and I am enjoying the fleeting moments. Perhaps he is the one, maybe not, who knows? But I know this: right now, he is all I care for. Everyone else comes in second, no offense!

Anyway, I must be off to bed. Hopefully I can sleep with all this ridiculous lovey-dovey plights plaug-ing my mind.

It is 4:12AM.

Laying on my tummy, I clutch tightly to my pillow, giggling. This giggle has got a hold of me really good. I cannot stop this uplifting madness. It is a natural high, and I cannot get back down to earth. My body and soul feels like it is soaring at 100mph and I love it.

I roll over to the side, in fetal position, hoping that it will end.

It didn't.

My god, man! Get a grip! It is only a night that went really well! Too well, as a matter of fact!

Seeing Michael was probably the highlight of my week. Fuck, it may have been the highlight of the month! No, maybe even the year!

I can't get his smile out of my head. How can this be? I had only met him once, just this once. We talk constantly with our text messages. And everytime I feel my phone vibrate in my pants, I glow. My co-workers stare at me, knowing that I am up to something.

But Michael. He is beautiful. His dirty blonde hair...and his smile. It is adorable when he smiles. His gorgeous eyes squints when he smiles. There is something about him. I just know it. I just can't put my finger on it. But there is something about him that makes me all tingly inside.

The replay of the meeting won't stop playing. It is like having iTunes stuck on your most favorite happy song on repeat and you cannot do anything to stop it. I cannot stop smiling when I think of his jokes. I cannot stop giggling when I think of how warm and soft his skin felt when he nudged me. I cannot stop seeing his hypnotizing flirtatious eyes staring into mine. Those amber green swirls that cast spells. What a great witchery if you ask me!

But dammit. I cannot sleep. I cannot turn this smile upside down.

Fuck it. I'll giggle all night if I have to!