It has been quite a while since I last wrote. In the meantime, I have learned lessons, overcome obstacles, and changed for the better.
As told in my last post, I fell deep into the web of being someone I'm not in order to woo that one person. His name was Mike. He was Deaf who lived not too far from my area. Looking back, I can now see why I did such a thing. It is hard for me to meet someone like me - someone who has little or no hearing, and is a part of the Deaf/Hard of Hearing culture. With all my luck with hearing men, I subconsciously thought that he would be the only one left, my only hope, to be someone I would spend the rest of my life with.
As I got to know him, the more I liked him. He was certainly not the type of gay men I've dated. He was wild. He had parties, he was involved with a lot of people, and he always had me on edge with his spontaneous actions. It was like feeding gasoline to a fire. All my life, I had always been the quiet one, the shy one, the small one. Having Mike with me unleashed the wilderness I had in store with me. However, with all this pretending to be someone I'm not, I had to pretend for other people as well (ie his friends, new friends I have made, and such the likes). But as Thanksgiving rolled along, I realized that this entire charade was pointless. Mike and I were not going anywhere. Most of our romantic indulges were influenced with booze and animal sex. There were no emotions involved. We often fought. I realized that this was a mistake. This Mike was not the kind of Mike I should have gotten involved with. In some ways, I do regret doing all of these, but in other perspectives, I'm glad. I woke up with a new "self." I am still the loveable, Broadway-obsessed Joey, but I have matured. I have learned to be myself and not to be afraid of showing my true self to others. If they don't like me, then it is their problem, not mine.
In part of growing up, I realized that I am not 100% happy with my life. I am depressed almost all the time. The only time I am truly happy is when I am at work. Though most customers anger and annoy me, it is the friends that I spend time with at Home Depot. I have such fun with them. We laugh, play, and joke around a lot. We make fun of each other, and we just let life go and have fun. But once I clock out, I become depressed again and I continue to be depressed unless I am out with them or my other Deaf friends. So here is the problem: it is my parents. Though I love them very much, they suffocate me. They overprotect me, and I feel that I've had enough. In November, I had an epiphany. I knew what I had to do to make myself happy: MOVE.
I spoke with five of my Deaf friends in Arlington, Texas, as well as gay friends in Dallas, Texas (which is only 20 minutes away from Arlington). I have come to the terms of moving there by August. The apartments there are a lot cheaper than that of Brevard's. They have apartments ranging from $450-$650 in Arlington. In Brevard County, apartments range from $600-$800! Did I mention that these are one-bedroom apartments? Doing the math, I've learned that it is actually a LOT cheaper to get a 2 bedroom apartment and live with a friend. But no other friend is moving to Arlington, so I am stuck with myself. In April, I will pack up a week-worth of clothes and drive out there by myself. I will stay with two of my Deaf friends. There, we will drive around the city so I can get an idea of what it would be like to live there, and to look at apartments and jobs. I could transfer to another store there. The problem is, though, I am not certain if I can work full time if I do so. I will have to wait and see.
But these plans are all unfolding right now. Though I am scared, I feel this is a better opportunity than staying in Brevard and waiting for something to happen. People actually had to get out of Brevard to make things happen. So I feel I should do the same. Besides, I am turning 25 in less than a week. It is time for me to get up and make things happen for myself.
